"I hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay."

I hope when you take that jump

you don't fear the fall.

Hope when the water rises

you build a wall.

Hope when the crowd screams out

they're screaming your name.

hope if everybody runs

you choose to stay.

Hope that you fall in love

and it hurts so bad.

The only way you can know

is give it all you have.

And I hope that you don't suffer

but take the pain.

Hope when the moment comes

you'll say:

I, I did it all.

I, I did it all.

I owned every second

that this world could give.

I saw so many places.

The things that I did.

Yeah, with ever broken bone

I swear I lived.

I hope that you spend your days

but they all add up.

And when that sun goes down

hope you raise your cup.

I wish that I could witness

all your joy and all your pain.

But until my moment comes

I'll say...

The tale as old as time is about... time.

Guess what guys!? Happy New Year!
Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never been one for new year's resolutions. I've made poor attempts of thinking of what I could do better at, but never returning to the thought.  This year is the first time I'm actually making an effort and even then I don't think I can credit my natural nature to make myself a better person. ..haha. It just so happens that my life couldn't have come to one of those "reorganize yourself" points at a better time.

Two more months and I'll have been home from my mission a whole year.

What?

Where has the time gone? Heidi, Lindsay and I were talking about how it felt on the final countdown to the new year. 10..9..8..anxiety...7...wait...6...stop..5..why do I feel like this!?...4...3..."lactose intolerant!!!!!"...2... 1... ohmygoshwhat'shappening!?.  It's the story as old as time.... you can't stop time. Everyone feels it. Everyone has a problem with it at some point.

So what am I DOING with it?
What am I doing with this prized possession that everyone has and everyone wants more of.
Time moves no matter what.  In 10 years I'll be 10 years older. That time will pass no matter what. So instead of waiting for things to happen, why not make something? Sure. Some things take time... such a complicated catch 22. "Just give it time". Who really needs the time but ourselves? To straighten up, to figure things out, to clear our heads.

We give too much time to what we think is supposed to be right, freeing, relieving, adventurous, daring, liberating, founding, insert whatever you can think of here.

I just saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Exquisite.  I absolutely loved it. And although I love TRAVEL and ADVENTURE I think what a lot of people took from that film is that what you need to have a fulfilling life is those exact things. But in the end of the film Walter Mitty was back at home with the girl from his office walking down a street he had walked down a thousand times before. Why was he content? Because he did what he always wanted to do. He conquered his fears.  He found contentment in himself. He learned to love himself.  He didn't abandon all that he was or did. He didn't forsake comfort of being grounded. He found a balance between responsibility and spontaneity.

We are capable of living happy, fulfilling lives.
There is pride in adventure just as much as there is pride in family and a job.

You know what? I hate McDonald's.  But every once in a while I crave it like a pregnant woman craves sweet pork burritos covered in chocolate. One of my "resolutions" for the year is to eat more healthily.  Yesterday was my... 'get ready.. tomorrow it starts' day. I saw 'Walter Mitty' alone to get all motivated up and on the way home knowing I was going to pick up some food, I saw a McDonald's. I thought to myself... I would kill for some people nuggets with barbeque sauce and some fries with sweet and sour.  So I stopped. I took it back to my apartment and ate it by myself... in the car. And I was soooo happy. I did it because I wanted to. Some things we can  do just because we want to. It's okay.

This year there will be less restrictions in my life on what I, or anyone else, thinks could or should happen.
Why does it even matter? Just keep going. Keep moving. Stop worrying about what could happen in the future.  Only God knows and unless he says no, then run like the wind.

One big thing that I took from my mission is that God wants to protect us, not restrict us.  So many times we're given an inch and we see it as a mile. We need to be careful, but that doesn't mean we need to give ourselves more rules than there actually are. It doesn't mean that because alcohol is inhibiting to our physical and spiritual growth that we can't drink Root Beer because it has the word 'beer' in it.

It's okay. We're here to live. So live.

In the midst of boys

Sometimes I have moments where I feel super creative, exited and motivated. Then I have these other moments when I am completely not any of those things and I think to myself, "I think I am two completely different people." I've been both extremes this week and it's kind of exhausting. Here's another one for you. How about loving the idea of having someone soooo much but when it actually happens all I want is my freedom to do what I want and not have to worry about making time for a relationship. Here's what I really think: I think, no, I feel and strongly believe that there is an unspoken but undeniably existent click that happens between people. 

I don't believe in soul mates. 

I do believe that some people make more sense than others (all of this coming from the two involved, not from a bystander's point of view) and that it is something you can feel. Whatever it is, it makes the difference. 

I don't talk much about these thoughts and opinions because when I do, it's usually not understood and that little fact that I'm single comes back to the same run around remarks. "You're too picky." "You can't be so sure so fast." "You're hurt." "You're bitter." "You don't try hard enough." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just clear some things up to get them out of the way. 

I don't have to date anyone I don't want to date. If I'm not happy, then I don't need to do it. Physical attraction for anyone is important, you could be kissing that person for the rest of your life. I don't have to force myself to fall in love. I can't, and I won't try. I'm not a hermit, I do know people and meet new ones all the time. I'm not close minded, I do date. Often. 

Now let me explain. 

My whole life is more or less a big game of "Hot and Cold". I talk to God. Well, I try to, but that doesn't mean I always understand what he says back to me. And more often than not it's for me to make my own choice anyway. So I start in one direction until it starts feeling cooler or warmer and then readjust accordingly. It's not very different with men in my life. But the "click" and warmth don't always go together and there is where it gets tricky. You see, I'm not just a romantic or making up what I honk should happen. The "click" exists, I have felt it. I know what it feels like... the comfort, the mutual understanding. But the strongest click doesn't always go with the warmest feeling. Usually you dilude yourself pretending there's heat because you want it so much, but God foresees other paths and reminds you that there will be others. And then on the opposite tracks you may already know that the "click" isn't there, yet the warmth makes you stick around because there is clearly something to be learned. You know it is not forever, but that your lives have crossed for a reason and you now have this time to find what that is. 

It's easier to give in and just move on. But then I'd still be where I am. 

And staying leaves no room for moving on. 

I'm trying to find my balance between what I think I want, what I want  and what I need. I love my me time. My girl time. I like adventures with the boys. They have become part of my life. I am a girl in the midst of boys. And it's the warmest thing in my life right now. So for now this is my tool of measurement: if I would rather be with him than the boys, then we might have something to work with. Until then, it's a big game of temperatures. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind

Why is it that at times life can feel so pointless? And then other times like the grandest journey ever attempted?

Maybe because it's both?

There's so much to learn. But where to start? Where to go? really. 

My trials aren't bigger than the next person in line. Nor more important. So why is it that my view can only reach so far? I am not capable of fixing everyone else's problems. Can I even be big enough to fix my own?

But then again, what is a problem? Isn't that relative to opinion?

A good friend told me that the best way to get over a cold is to act like it's not there, then show it who's boss and work it right out of your body. Haha agreed. 

So can that be applied to problems? Act like it's not a problem and then show it who's boss and work it out. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind achieved by self mastery. 

I've been lazy. There's no other word for it. It's time to hit the ground running. 

Self mastery is another term for sacrifice. I need to get me a good, heaping spoonful of that.

Motivation. It's good for ya. 

Get it while it's hot. 

And right now. It's definitely hot. 

Shakira, Shakira!

I have a secret passion for Shakira.

Moral Support. Who knew?

I sat with a friend tonight. She's going through a hard time with her new job and school and anything else you can think of throwing on top of that with a beat up immune system from 28 little kids. I felt helpless and useless, what could I do to help her? "Let me do your homework" and "Let me plan your lesson" were out of the question ideas because it's all in her head. In the end all she needed was moral support. That I could do. And I would do any day of the week. She doesn't believe me, but she is my hero.

Looking back at my week and my morning I realize that God really does have a huge role in everything we do. We just need to trust and fall. This week has not been  a personal best and I'm sorry for a few things. I slipped in some mud and then found some shelter until I could take a bath. I needed help. But what kind of help? Moral support. I didn't realize that's what I've needed until I got the offer this morning. I've always thought it's funny how things come full circle. What I received I then had the chance to give. Which I also didn't realize had happened until afterward.

I didn't run my half marathon. I wanted to, but I started having some knee problems. I was so frustrated that I refused to accept it and kept going, but that didn't do me any good in any way. So I stopped completely for a few weeks, which emotionally messed with me so I then realized that I need to strengthen some other things first and if nothing else, find a different type of exercise. So now we're onto cycling. I'm not in love with it yet, but I've heard that love grows when you sacrifice for it. So we'll see where we're at in a few weeks. The only thing I know is that physically, I need to keep going. My mind goes insane when I don't.

Now tell me, coincidence or not that two of my exes are getting married one week apart from one another?
I kind of blew up on one of them the other day. I should apologize. Probably. Not for the substance of the matter but for how it came out. Surprisingly I had a bunch of this pent up resentment about how our relationship actually played out. Not how it ended, but how it was.

So anyway, I was going through my emails, cleaning them out and deleting the past when I came across one that went pretty much exactly like this (give or take):  I thought of something today that I don't know about you. It's kinda important. I have decided that more than anything else I could be doing I want to get married and start a family. I have lost any desire for single adventure... I have always assumed that you felt the same way. Do you? Are there things you want to do alone before you settle down?  What do you want?... Do you think you might want some time for whatever?
That's a big thing to not know about someone you're planning a future with. I remember reading this email and not being able to swallow. It was in that moment I knew that I wasn't ready, which was the start of what lead to our demise. I remember thinking that our outlooks on life were so much different. I didn't have desire for single adventure my whole life, but I did have desire for adventure. My adventure doesn't need to be without marriage or without children. But was I sure of adventure with him?  He wanted the white picket fence. And he would be okay with the backyard barbecues and a vacation here and there for the rest of his life. But for me, I didn't understand the need for the line. I like change. I like learning and exploring. I want a home... and a family... and I want security. I just didn't feel that it comes with a square footage price quote and a set in stone 10 year plan. I want a version of it, yes.  But when I read those words (with a few more not included above) I got cold feet for the first time in a long time. For some reason the idea of it felt like prison. And I couldn't stand to go there. What I didn't realize at the time was that we were already holding each other hostage, afraid to find what we both really wanted. We were two different people lacking the moral support that both needed, but neither could give.

It was a simple reminder that we both knew it wasn't forever a long time ago.
Courage just doesn't always get the memo as quick as the heart does.

Feeling Refreshed

Brazilian lightning storms are the most beautiful I have ever seen... but Eagle Mountain is a pretty good substitute.

There are some things that just feel like home. Like driving with the windows down, feeling the warm breeze and listening to your favorite song. Or a glass of coke with 3 ice cubes. That old tv show. That old friend.
Then maybe combine them all into a movie and you've got my night.
You know those movies that are not that good if you were anybody else? Yeah. But that undying love you have keeps you connected and still clinging like a hopeless girlfriend.
Finally, I saw Fast 6. I couldn't wait any longer! And I walked out of there feeling like me again. wanting to be a criminal maybe and jump around on things, but I felt good.. about life, about myself.

Things drag you in and then down. It's a ruthless cycle, but we choose to bring ourselves back out.
I've felt love. And it crushed me. But it didn't kill me. At least now I know what it should and shouldn't feel like.
It's so easy to feel left behind. Or worthless and not good enough. We hear all these stupid songs about it 24 freaking 7 and I got sucked into this wheel of thinking that I obviously am not grade A because things haven't been happening. Well guess what, my peeps ... I'm not grade A! Surprise! And I like it. AND duh... things are happening! Just not where I thought they should be.
Thank you, my friend, for the last 8 months. It was a good rest. But I'm getting up, it's over due.