Shakira, Shakira!

I have a secret passion for Shakira.

Moral Support. Who knew?

I sat with a friend tonight. She's going through a hard time with her new job and school and anything else you can think of throwing on top of that with a beat up immune system from 28 little kids. I felt helpless and useless, what could I do to help her? "Let me do your homework" and "Let me plan your lesson" were out of the question ideas because it's all in her head. In the end all she needed was moral support. That I could do. And I would do any day of the week. She doesn't believe me, but she is my hero.

Looking back at my week and my morning I realize that God really does have a huge role in everything we do. We just need to trust and fall. This week has not been  a personal best and I'm sorry for a few things. I slipped in some mud and then found some shelter until I could take a bath. I needed help. But what kind of help? Moral support. I didn't realize that's what I've needed until I got the offer this morning. I've always thought it's funny how things come full circle. What I received I then had the chance to give. Which I also didn't realize had happened until afterward.

I didn't run my half marathon. I wanted to, but I started having some knee problems. I was so frustrated that I refused to accept it and kept going, but that didn't do me any good in any way. So I stopped completely for a few weeks, which emotionally messed with me so I then realized that I need to strengthen some other things first and if nothing else, find a different type of exercise. So now we're onto cycling. I'm not in love with it yet, but I've heard that love grows when you sacrifice for it. So we'll see where we're at in a few weeks. The only thing I know is that physically, I need to keep going. My mind goes insane when I don't.

Now tell me, coincidence or not that two of my exes are getting married one week apart from one another?
I kind of blew up on one of them the other day. I should apologize. Probably. Not for the substance of the matter but for how it came out. Surprisingly I had a bunch of this pent up resentment about how our relationship actually played out. Not how it ended, but how it was.

So anyway, I was going through my emails, cleaning them out and deleting the past when I came across one that went pretty much exactly like this (give or take):  I thought of something today that I don't know about you. It's kinda important. I have decided that more than anything else I could be doing I want to get married and start a family. I have lost any desire for single adventure... I have always assumed that you felt the same way. Do you? Are there things you want to do alone before you settle down?  What do you want?... Do you think you might want some time for whatever?
That's a big thing to not know about someone you're planning a future with. I remember reading this email and not being able to swallow. It was in that moment I knew that I wasn't ready, which was the start of what lead to our demise. I remember thinking that our outlooks on life were so much different. I didn't have desire for single adventure my whole life, but I did have desire for adventure. My adventure doesn't need to be without marriage or without children. But was I sure of adventure with him?  He wanted the white picket fence. And he would be okay with the backyard barbecues and a vacation here and there for the rest of his life. But for me, I didn't understand the need for the line. I like change. I like learning and exploring. I want a home... and a family... and I want security. I just didn't feel that it comes with a square footage price quote and a set in stone 10 year plan. I want a version of it, yes.  But when I read those words (with a few more not included above) I got cold feet for the first time in a long time. For some reason the idea of it felt like prison. And I couldn't stand to go there. What I didn't realize at the time was that we were already holding each other hostage, afraid to find what we both really wanted. We were two different people lacking the moral support that both needed, but neither could give.

It was a simple reminder that we both knew it wasn't forever a long time ago.
Courage just doesn't always get the memo as quick as the heart does.

Feeling Refreshed

Brazilian lightning storms are the most beautiful I have ever seen... but Eagle Mountain is a pretty good substitute.

There are some things that just feel like home. Like driving with the windows down, feeling the warm breeze and listening to your favorite song. Or a glass of coke with 3 ice cubes. That old tv show. That old friend.
Then maybe combine them all into a movie and you've got my night.
You know those movies that are not that good if you were anybody else? Yeah. But that undying love you have keeps you connected and still clinging like a hopeless girlfriend.
Finally, I saw Fast 6. I couldn't wait any longer! And I walked out of there feeling like me again. wanting to be a criminal maybe and jump around on things, but I felt good.. about life, about myself.

Things drag you in and then down. It's a ruthless cycle, but we choose to bring ourselves back out.
I've felt love. And it crushed me. But it didn't kill me. At least now I know what it should and shouldn't feel like.
It's so easy to feel left behind. Or worthless and not good enough. We hear all these stupid songs about it 24 freaking 7 and I got sucked into this wheel of thinking that I obviously am not grade A because things haven't been happening. Well guess what, my peeps ... I'm not grade A! Surprise! And I like it. AND duh... things are happening! Just not where I thought they should be.
Thank you, my friend, for the last 8 months. It was a good rest. But I'm getting up, it's over due.

If change is constant is it still change?

Head hurts.
Heart, well... it's been better.
Today was the first time in a while that I have felt that need for change, and not a new hair color type of change. A real change. A big one. I haven't felt that for a while and it makes me nervous. Nervous because it makes me antsy and I never think rationally when I'm antsy.

I haven't been feeling too great lately. A lot is on my mind, I guess? In reality a lot of things are going on, so normal human beings would be affected.

I need to go somewhere new.
New Mexico.... you're looking pretty good.






Are there healthier answers than running and avoiding? Probably. Do I want to know what they are? Probably not.

"Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows but you're never ever ever gonna break my soul."

Beautiful

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down."

The morning comes

Loneliness can swarm you. Eat you alive.
We all have our own ways of responding to such moments.
Desperate circumstances call for desperate measures.

In other words: coping.

I relate it to being drunk. After that first compliance, complete control and sense have been wiped off the table and as you stand there in a haze looking down, trying to make the most concious decision for your next move you half knowingly comply again. Then you no longer own your actions and you seem to keep doing what will seemingly make you feel better.

I then relate it to muscle tear and regrowth.
Cause as much as you kick yourself in the morning for loosing control again, you realize you've learned and you're a little bit stronger than you were before.

Today I cried. A lot.
Actually at first I held it in. Made myself sick thinking it was something I ate. And then on the way home realized tears were running down my cheeks that wouldn't stop.

Half way through I remembered what my friend used to say about our problems being so little compared to those of others.
--Perspective can truly make a tear turn to vapor.
So I stopped. But my tears were quickly replaced by the sickness. So I thought to myself.... My tears are mine, I will do with them what I will. So I did.
And I cried. A lot more.

And I don't feel cured. But I feel better.