I've decided that I do not want to be one of those people who are content with being alone.
I like to spend time alone and it makes me happy. I like having personal goals and ambitions and desires. I believe in being independently sure of yourself, having strength and peace of mind and being content with who you are.
But i do not want to reach the point that I feel that I am better off or am happier making the journey alone.
Sometimes I can be feminist and rockin' the girl power without shame. But I also believe in being dependent when it counts. And in truth I believe trust is a beautiful state. It's a view I'd like to see first hand someday, even if it's a long road.
True happiness cannot be achieved alone. That is why we are put here together. The very journey to our life experience depends on other people. So it makes sense that the adventure here wouldn't be any different.
I am your friend. I like that! I can be chill and nonchalant. I like that too. I even like that you can trust me to be your wing man (though it's slightly twisted).
But I AM a girl. Surprising, I know.
And I actually like FEELING like a girl.
Please treat me like one.
Might seem weird at first, but we'll catch on... cause in the end it's normal.
Is that too much to ask?
I really don't feel like it is.
Today I overheard a woman talking about lawyers and suing and winning and losing.
She did not sound happy.
If if she wins it's hard for me to believe that she would be satisfied. Her emotions decide her actions and winning a lawsuit doesn't heal a wound. It's more like the dark sunglasses you wear out trying to pretend like nothing happened.
The world tries to offer these quick fix answers that don't work.
Personal peace involves forgiveness. It involves Christ and his Atonement. It's the only cure that reaches deep enough. That actually cleans... purifies really... instead of covering up.
Bad things happen. Hurtful things. Awful things. Why do we turn to the source that caused them? Instead of falling into the arms that can heal?
He asks us to let go. To keep moving on. To forgive. Others can tumble with others, but we can have peace and be happy in spite.
This morning at the temple I realized how much I need God in my life.
I have these realizations often, which I guess is a good thing because every once in a while I need a good check up, but still every time feels like the first epiphany ever felt by man.
As I was helping someone I realized that she was completely depending on me. She trusted in me completely knowing that I would know how to help her. That if she couldn't, I could. In that moment I was thinking about nothing, no one but her. All I wanted was to fill that role she needed. Whatever doubt I ever had that I couldn't was quickly blown away and replaced by surety from her trust.
And that's when it happened.
How often must God see my wide eyed, child's gaze looking up at him?
And how much does he want to help?
How often do I trust? And how often do I run?
So I had a talk with myself.
I said, "Self. Running is tiring when you're going in circles. Let's not do that anymore. Let's slow down and skip awhile."
(It's been a long time since I've skipped... and it's fun!)
And myself said, well... quite nothing actually...
...because myself knows that I decide what me and myself do.
So that was the end of that. And here we go. :)
This is the temple in my hometown.
I have the opportune blessing to serve here every Saturday morning.
...like that time.
I need to apologize. As jaded as I at times feel... I still do believe in love. I do!
In the words of our dearest Jordan Sparks:
"No matter what you say about love, I keep coming back for more. Keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later I'll get what I'm asking for."
It will be boring but it'll be passionate.
It'll be old but it'll be new.
It'll be hard but it will be clear.
I had never read the oh so talked about book, never heard a thing of it's story line, nor was curious to discover what was behind the hyped up film trailers.
But when the family wants to see a movie... we take it as a time to bond. It truly has brought some special moments ;)
I can say that I honestly was entranced the whole movie. And I think that's why I hated it. I hated what it made me feel. So in love. So confused. So passionate and angry. So much hope. I felt what they were feeling that is until the end when the allusion fell to pieces. Everything had been built up to a lie. In Gatsby's last moments he was on a high. In the peak of his hope is when my train derailed from that useless track that lead to nowhere.
During his flight I was tumbling back to reality. Realizing that I was now leaving a theatre with less hope than, with which I walked in with.
In the end I came to realize that it wasn't Gatsby that was so deceived. It was I. I had been carried away and lead to believe.
When did I become so cynical?
Gatsby gave away half of his heart to love the other half. Part of him was missing because of an obsession that he chose. I don't feel it should be that way. Half of your heart shouldn't kill the other. That's just silly and absurd.
But then again, what is your heart? A muscle. It's as strong as you want it to be. It can be trained. It can love what you want it to.
Maybe the idea of "love" is role play and most people are faking it because role play is always more fun.
Jumping out of a plane has been two of THE best decisions I have EVER made in my life. Ever.
There is no way to explain it. I can't just make someone feel what I felt.
Such as sitting there on the ground with a childish grin, watching the canopies fall, naïve of what was to come.
Or putting on the gear joking with the instructors as if we were about to get on a bike.
Or even the plane ride up realizing that everything's getting smaller, but it looks exactly like a movie so you can't get your mind to acknowledge that you're sitting in a real plane.
And then the moment the door opens and you're simply being filed to the opening of a moving plane.
You're trying to remember everything they told you.
And the next minute racing through the air with your eyes watering and you can see the earth below you, but it's not getting any bigger even though you know you're moving so fast and you've never felt anything like that in your entire life so you don't know where to place it in your brain or senses.
Then all of a sudden you're floating and you're thinking, "that was so quick" am I already floating back to the ground?
And you're on the ground trying to figure out if you actually just did that.
And you have to go again.
And you do. And it's all the same except this time you turn your brain off and you soak in it.
And you take a little control and responsibility and you feel like you could hold the world.
And then you land. And you're in love.
And you're driving home with a great friend, maybe one of the coolest cats in town. The only one who gets it, at least for a while.
And you have to go again.
Those two jumps were the product of wanting to experience life. A piece of what our Father has given. And really I think the most insane part is the aftermath. I have never been addicted to a substance, but I can imagine that is the closest relation. Being so tired but not being able to shut your eyes for more than 10 minutes because they pop open in thought of what that experience was. And realizing that most people will never have that experience because of fear or maybe better judgment, but being so grateful that God didn't tell you no. At least at that time and in that place.
An email.
It was dumb.
An apology and attempted comfort.
Oh friend... you can't be the one to comfort me.
"It would be an honor to marry you."
yeah? Why does everyone say that? Funny how that works.
I've decided that blogging bugs me. But it helps me clear my head so here we are again.
I can't exactly put photos and videos in my journal in such an accessible way to share my thoughts so logically a blog solves many complications. I also feel that Facebook is pretty wide spread. I don't honestly want to share with everyone and their dogs, but I don't mind sharing with those who care. I feel when we share we do mostly, though not limited to, these 3 things: learn, grow and move on.
Which is what life is about.
This blog is about who I am now. I am not focusing on the past, we can all find that it in my first blog though at times I may make references. I will most definitely refer to my mission, which is largely counted in my second blog, because it was the bridge between then and now. And the experience I often refer to as the giver of my back bone. I feel that God deserves all of that credit.
I am still me. I am slightly redefined. And I am SO happy.
