"Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows but you're never ever ever gonna break my soul."

Beautiful

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down."

The morning comes

Loneliness can swarm you. Eat you alive.
We all have our own ways of responding to such moments.
Desperate circumstances call for desperate measures.

In other words: coping.

I relate it to being drunk. After that first compliance, complete control and sense have been wiped off the table and as you stand there in a haze looking down, trying to make the most concious decision for your next move you half knowingly comply again. Then you no longer own your actions and you seem to keep doing what will seemingly make you feel better.

I then relate it to muscle tear and regrowth.
Cause as much as you kick yourself in the morning for loosing control again, you realize you've learned and you're a little bit stronger than you were before.

Today I cried. A lot.
Actually at first I held it in. Made myself sick thinking it was something I ate. And then on the way home realized tears were running down my cheeks that wouldn't stop.

Half way through I remembered what my friend used to say about our problems being so little compared to those of others.
--Perspective can truly make a tear turn to vapor.
So I stopped. But my tears were quickly replaced by the sickness. So I thought to myself.... My tears are mine, I will do with them what I will. So I did.
And I cried. A lot more.

And I don't feel cured. But I feel better.

Why?

I have been so inspired lately by olympians.

What is there drive?
How did they get it?
Do they ever want to quit?
How many times did they before they found their true reasons not to.
How many times did they almost give up?
And what made them not?

That then started a thought process about those who never won the medals. And how many of them accomplished huge feats in their lives just by getting to the games? The trials? Or even onto the track, bars, pool or whichever passion was theirs?

I've been doing a lot of research about running. I read that before you run you need to decide what your motivation is. What is your true desire? What do you want? and why?
Is it to lose weight? Yeah?.. then get outta here. That's not going to push you enough. You're going to give up. Look DEEPER. Why are you doing this?
WHY?

The seventh grade was the first time I realized that people ran for fun. Not just to exercise or to escape... but because they liked it.
I was flabbergasted!  WHY would someone DO that? Running hurts!
haha little did my 11 year old self know that an obsessive thought had just entered my life to stay for the next 11 years.  The level of disgust I had balanced the level of curiosity almost equally, but with disgust still winning.  Various attempts to run with a smile lead me to believe that it was just not in my lot. It was for the crazies. My asthma had also given the perfect excuse of half-hearted attempts.  But still.... my secret desire that I could be like them... someone who ran because they wanted to... didn't fade. If anything it became more prominent.
During my time in Brasil and these 3 short months that I've been home I have learned that I never had disgust. That word had become a cover for the so commonly used and more accurate: fear.

                   I was afraid to try!  Of pain. Of defeat.
            Of having it become official that I am not one of those people.
                             BUT WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING?
                                   I had made myself one of those people.

But guess what? I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I decide what I want. I do what I want. And I am done with being afraid.
Being not horrible, nor good movie... After Earth gave a lot of thought for this exact tangent.
"Danger is real, fear is a choice." This didn't make sense to me until I saw the movie and heard the rest which I cannot find ANYWHERE to correctly quote, but gave the idea that we cannot fear "what could possibly happen". We cannot fear what "may or may not happen in the future".

It's hard to do. We must train ourselves to think that way.
"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."   - George S. Patton, Olympian ;)

 Life has some great perks. Why do we let fear take those from us!?
Good sense and safety are still applicable. But fear is hindering. And it's job is done here.

So here it is. On September 14th I am running a half marathon.
Why?
               Prove it to all the dirty looking haters.
                      Overcome asthma.                        
       Physical fitness.              Prove it to mySELF.
                   I never needed him for strength.
       To have something that is mine.

                                       Because I freaking WANT to!

Lonely? Not tonight :)

Tonight was the Draper Temple with my friendy, friend Kyle.
He's pretty awesome cause he likes to do fun things like go to the temple on a Tuesday night just because we want to. :)
This lovely temple gave me MUITO inspiration. Much of which is still going... and I love it!

For those of you who don't know, this is the draper temple:

And the view from up there is more than any picture could attempt to portray.

 

Retracing a little bit back to Sunday... I was able to go to an AMAZING fireside. With a man who spoke about the soul and our potential. At least that's what I got out of it. So in the end, I think this is where all of the wonderful inspiration is coming from... the seeds are sprouting!
My spirit can be in charge of my body. It should be. I have the choice! Incredible!
"I can do ANYTHING I want to do!" (Thanks Chris)
I am worth it (thanks Laura) and I can feel that way any time I want. :)  I'm not a big self-downer in the first place, but we all have our moments and wonder... "and me?" And It's usually those moments that are recorded because they're the ones we feel like talking about, isn't it? And I realize that! So now I'm going to DO something about that annoying little fact!
haha Someone told me today to stop worrying about dating and I'll find someone. And I responded that I'm not worrying and I'm fine. But DING DING DING! Why would someone believe another someone that makes 'set me up with your friends' jokes?... like all the time...  Okay guys... I'm not desperate. Let's get that outta of the way. I want a relationship... who doesn't? But I want a good one. A healthy one. Both of which I've never quite had. So I'm willing to wait for that and until then... I'm strengthening this relationship I have with God... and this other one I have with myself. :)  Which is why I need as much inspiration I can get!

So thank you Draper and your beautiful temple. You've made one less lonely girl.

P.S. These pictures are not mine. But they are beautiful.