In the midst of boys

Sometimes I have moments where I feel super creative, exited and motivated. Then I have these other moments when I am completely not any of those things and I think to myself, "I think I am two completely different people." I've been both extremes this week and it's kind of exhausting. Here's another one for you. How about loving the idea of having someone soooo much but when it actually happens all I want is my freedom to do what I want and not have to worry about making time for a relationship. Here's what I really think: I think, no, I feel and strongly believe that there is an unspoken but undeniably existent click that happens between people. 

I don't believe in soul mates. 

I do believe that some people make more sense than others (all of this coming from the two involved, not from a bystander's point of view) and that it is something you can feel. Whatever it is, it makes the difference. 

I don't talk much about these thoughts and opinions because when I do, it's usually not understood and that little fact that I'm single comes back to the same run around remarks. "You're too picky." "You can't be so sure so fast." "You're hurt." "You're bitter." "You don't try hard enough." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just clear some things up to get them out of the way. 

I don't have to date anyone I don't want to date. If I'm not happy, then I don't need to do it. Physical attraction for anyone is important, you could be kissing that person for the rest of your life. I don't have to force myself to fall in love. I can't, and I won't try. I'm not a hermit, I do know people and meet new ones all the time. I'm not close minded, I do date. Often. 

Now let me explain. 

My whole life is more or less a big game of "Hot and Cold". I talk to God. Well, I try to, but that doesn't mean I always understand what he says back to me. And more often than not it's for me to make my own choice anyway. So I start in one direction until it starts feeling cooler or warmer and then readjust accordingly. It's not very different with men in my life. But the "click" and warmth don't always go together and there is where it gets tricky. You see, I'm not just a romantic or making up what I honk should happen. The "click" exists, I have felt it. I know what it feels like... the comfort, the mutual understanding. But the strongest click doesn't always go with the warmest feeling. Usually you dilude yourself pretending there's heat because you want it so much, but God foresees other paths and reminds you that there will be others. And then on the opposite tracks you may already know that the "click" isn't there, yet the warmth makes you stick around because there is clearly something to be learned. You know it is not forever, but that your lives have crossed for a reason and you now have this time to find what that is. 

It's easier to give in and just move on. But then I'd still be where I am. 

And staying leaves no room for moving on. 

I'm trying to find my balance between what I think I want, what I want  and what I need. I love my me time. My girl time. I like adventures with the boys. They have become part of my life. I am a girl in the midst of boys. And it's the warmest thing in my life right now. So for now this is my tool of measurement: if I would rather be with him than the boys, then we might have something to work with. Until then, it's a big game of temperatures. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind

Why is it that at times life can feel so pointless? And then other times like the grandest journey ever attempted?

Maybe because it's both?

There's so much to learn. But where to start? Where to go? really. 

My trials aren't bigger than the next person in line. Nor more important. So why is it that my view can only reach so far? I am not capable of fixing everyone else's problems. Can I even be big enough to fix my own?

But then again, what is a problem? Isn't that relative to opinion?

A good friend told me that the best way to get over a cold is to act like it's not there, then show it who's boss and work it right out of your body. Haha agreed. 

So can that be applied to problems? Act like it's not a problem and then show it who's boss and work it out. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind achieved by self mastery. 

I've been lazy. There's no other word for it. It's time to hit the ground running. 

Self mastery is another term for sacrifice. I need to get me a good, heaping spoonful of that.

Motivation. It's good for ya. 

Get it while it's hot. 

And right now. It's definitely hot.