Sunday, September 22, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Moral Support. Who knew?
I sat with a friend tonight. She's going through a hard time with her new job and school and anything else you can think of throwing on top of that with a beat up immune system from 28 little kids. I felt helpless and useless, what could I do to help her? "Let me do your homework" and "Let me plan your lesson" were out of the question ideas because it's all in her head. In the end all she needed was moral support. That I could do. And I would do any day of the week. She doesn't believe me, but she is my hero.
Looking back at my week and my morning I realize that God really does have a huge role in everything we do. We just need to trust and fall. This week has not been a personal best and I'm sorry for a few things. I slipped in some mud and then found some shelter until I could take a bath. I needed help. But what kind of help? Moral support. I didn't realize that's what I've needed until I got the offer this morning. I've always thought it's funny how things come full circle. What I received I then had the chance to give. Which I also didn't realize had happened until afterward.
I didn't run my half marathon. I wanted to, but I started having some knee problems. I was so frustrated that I refused to accept it and kept going, but that didn't do me any good in any way. So I stopped completely for a few weeks, which emotionally messed with me so I then realized that I need to strengthen some other things first and if nothing else, find a different type of exercise. So now we're onto cycling. I'm not in love with it yet, but I've heard that love grows when you sacrifice for it. So we'll see where we're at in a few weeks. The only thing I know is that physically, I need to keep going. My mind goes insane when I don't.
Now tell me, coincidence or not that two of my exes are getting married one week apart from one another?
I kind of blew up on one of them the other day. I should apologize. Probably. Not for the substance of the matter but for how it came out. Surprisingly I had a bunch of this pent up resentment about how our relationship actually played out. Not how it ended, but how it was.
So anyway, I was going through my emails, cleaning them out and deleting the past when I came across one that went pretty much exactly like this (give or take): I thought of something today that I don't know about you. It's kinda important. I have decided that more than anything else I could be doing I want to get married and start a family. I have lost any desire for single adventure... I have always assumed that you felt the same way. Do you? Are there things you want to do alone before you settle down? What do you want?... Do you think you might want some time for whatever?
That's a big thing to not know about someone you're planning a future with. I remember reading this email and not being able to swallow. It was in that moment I knew that I wasn't ready, which was the start of what lead to our demise. I remember thinking that our outlooks on life were so much different. I didn't have desire for single adventure my whole life, but I did have desire for adventure. My adventure doesn't need to be without marriage or without children. But was I sure of adventure with him? He wanted the white picket fence. And he would be okay with the backyard barbecues and a vacation here and there for the rest of his life. But for me, I didn't understand the need for the line. I like change. I like learning and exploring. I want a home... and a family... and I want security. I just didn't feel that it comes with a square footage price quote and a set in stone 10 year plan. I want a version of it, yes. But when I read those words (with a few more not included above) I got cold feet for the first time in a long time. For some reason the idea of it felt like prison. And I couldn't stand to go there. What I didn't realize at the time was that we were already holding each other hostage, afraid to find what we both really wanted. We were two different people lacking the moral support that both needed, but neither could give.
It was a simple reminder that we both knew it wasn't forever a long time ago.
Courage just doesn't always get the memo as quick as the heart does.
Looking back at my week and my morning I realize that God really does have a huge role in everything we do. We just need to trust and fall. This week has not been a personal best and I'm sorry for a few things. I slipped in some mud and then found some shelter until I could take a bath. I needed help. But what kind of help? Moral support. I didn't realize that's what I've needed until I got the offer this morning. I've always thought it's funny how things come full circle. What I received I then had the chance to give. Which I also didn't realize had happened until afterward.
I didn't run my half marathon. I wanted to, but I started having some knee problems. I was so frustrated that I refused to accept it and kept going, but that didn't do me any good in any way. So I stopped completely for a few weeks, which emotionally messed with me so I then realized that I need to strengthen some other things first and if nothing else, find a different type of exercise. So now we're onto cycling. I'm not in love with it yet, but I've heard that love grows when you sacrifice for it. So we'll see where we're at in a few weeks. The only thing I know is that physically, I need to keep going. My mind goes insane when I don't.
Now tell me, coincidence or not that two of my exes are getting married one week apart from one another?
I kind of blew up on one of them the other day. I should apologize. Probably. Not for the substance of the matter but for how it came out. Surprisingly I had a bunch of this pent up resentment about how our relationship actually played out. Not how it ended, but how it was.
So anyway, I was going through my emails, cleaning them out and deleting the past when I came across one that went pretty much exactly like this (give or take): I thought of something today that I don't know about you. It's kinda important. I have decided that more than anything else I could be doing I want to get married and start a family. I have lost any desire for single adventure... I have always assumed that you felt the same way. Do you? Are there things you want to do alone before you settle down? What do you want?... Do you think you might want some time for whatever?
That's a big thing to not know about someone you're planning a future with. I remember reading this email and not being able to swallow. It was in that moment I knew that I wasn't ready, which was the start of what lead to our demise. I remember thinking that our outlooks on life were so much different. I didn't have desire for single adventure my whole life, but I did have desire for adventure. My adventure doesn't need to be without marriage or without children. But was I sure of adventure with him? He wanted the white picket fence. And he would be okay with the backyard barbecues and a vacation here and there for the rest of his life. But for me, I didn't understand the need for the line. I like change. I like learning and exploring. I want a home... and a family... and I want security. I just didn't feel that it comes with a square footage price quote and a set in stone 10 year plan. I want a version of it, yes. But when I read those words (with a few more not included above) I got cold feet for the first time in a long time. For some reason the idea of it felt like prison. And I couldn't stand to go there. What I didn't realize at the time was that we were already holding each other hostage, afraid to find what we both really wanted. We were two different people lacking the moral support that both needed, but neither could give.
It was a simple reminder that we both knew it wasn't forever a long time ago.
Courage just doesn't always get the memo as quick as the heart does.
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