In the midst of boys

Sometimes I have moments where I feel super creative, exited and motivated. Then I have these other moments when I am completely not any of those things and I think to myself, "I think I am two completely different people." I've been both extremes this week and it's kind of exhausting. Here's another one for you. How about loving the idea of having someone soooo much but when it actually happens all I want is my freedom to do what I want and not have to worry about making time for a relationship. Here's what I really think: I think, no, I feel and strongly believe that there is an unspoken but undeniably existent click that happens between people. 

I don't believe in soul mates. 

I do believe that some people make more sense than others (all of this coming from the two involved, not from a bystander's point of view) and that it is something you can feel. Whatever it is, it makes the difference. 

I don't talk much about these thoughts and opinions because when I do, it's usually not understood and that little fact that I'm single comes back to the same run around remarks. "You're too picky." "You can't be so sure so fast." "You're hurt." "You're bitter." "You don't try hard enough." Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just clear some things up to get them out of the way. 

I don't have to date anyone I don't want to date. If I'm not happy, then I don't need to do it. Physical attraction for anyone is important, you could be kissing that person for the rest of your life. I don't have to force myself to fall in love. I can't, and I won't try. I'm not a hermit, I do know people and meet new ones all the time. I'm not close minded, I do date. Often. 

Now let me explain. 

My whole life is more or less a big game of "Hot and Cold". I talk to God. Well, I try to, but that doesn't mean I always understand what he says back to me. And more often than not it's for me to make my own choice anyway. So I start in one direction until it starts feeling cooler or warmer and then readjust accordingly. It's not very different with men in my life. But the "click" and warmth don't always go together and there is where it gets tricky. You see, I'm not just a romantic or making up what I honk should happen. The "click" exists, I have felt it. I know what it feels like... the comfort, the mutual understanding. But the strongest click doesn't always go with the warmest feeling. Usually you dilude yourself pretending there's heat because you want it so much, but God foresees other paths and reminds you that there will be others. And then on the opposite tracks you may already know that the "click" isn't there, yet the warmth makes you stick around because there is clearly something to be learned. You know it is not forever, but that your lives have crossed for a reason and you now have this time to find what that is. 

It's easier to give in and just move on. But then I'd still be where I am. 

And staying leaves no room for moving on. 

I'm trying to find my balance between what I think I want, what I want  and what I need. I love my me time. My girl time. I like adventures with the boys. They have become part of my life. I am a girl in the midst of boys. And it's the warmest thing in my life right now. So for now this is my tool of measurement: if I would rather be with him than the boys, then we might have something to work with. Until then, it's a big game of temperatures. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind

Why is it that at times life can feel so pointless? And then other times like the grandest journey ever attempted?

Maybe because it's both?

There's so much to learn. But where to start? Where to go? really. 

My trials aren't bigger than the next person in line. Nor more important. So why is it that my view can only reach so far? I am not capable of fixing everyone else's problems. Can I even be big enough to fix my own?

But then again, what is a problem? Isn't that relative to opinion?

A good friend told me that the best way to get over a cold is to act like it's not there, then show it who's boss and work it right out of your body. Haha agreed. 

So can that be applied to problems? Act like it's not a problem and then show it who's boss and work it out. 

A state of bliss is a state of mind achieved by self mastery. 

I've been lazy. There's no other word for it. It's time to hit the ground running. 

Self mastery is another term for sacrifice. I need to get me a good, heaping spoonful of that.

Motivation. It's good for ya. 

Get it while it's hot. 

And right now. It's definitely hot. 

Shakira, Shakira!

I have a secret passion for Shakira.

Moral Support. Who knew?

I sat with a friend tonight. She's going through a hard time with her new job and school and anything else you can think of throwing on top of that with a beat up immune system from 28 little kids. I felt helpless and useless, what could I do to help her? "Let me do your homework" and "Let me plan your lesson" were out of the question ideas because it's all in her head. In the end all she needed was moral support. That I could do. And I would do any day of the week. She doesn't believe me, but she is my hero.

Looking back at my week and my morning I realize that God really does have a huge role in everything we do. We just need to trust and fall. This week has not been  a personal best and I'm sorry for a few things. I slipped in some mud and then found some shelter until I could take a bath. I needed help. But what kind of help? Moral support. I didn't realize that's what I've needed until I got the offer this morning. I've always thought it's funny how things come full circle. What I received I then had the chance to give. Which I also didn't realize had happened until afterward.

I didn't run my half marathon. I wanted to, but I started having some knee problems. I was so frustrated that I refused to accept it and kept going, but that didn't do me any good in any way. So I stopped completely for a few weeks, which emotionally messed with me so I then realized that I need to strengthen some other things first and if nothing else, find a different type of exercise. So now we're onto cycling. I'm not in love with it yet, but I've heard that love grows when you sacrifice for it. So we'll see where we're at in a few weeks. The only thing I know is that physically, I need to keep going. My mind goes insane when I don't.

Now tell me, coincidence or not that two of my exes are getting married one week apart from one another?
I kind of blew up on one of them the other day. I should apologize. Probably. Not for the substance of the matter but for how it came out. Surprisingly I had a bunch of this pent up resentment about how our relationship actually played out. Not how it ended, but how it was.

So anyway, I was going through my emails, cleaning them out and deleting the past when I came across one that went pretty much exactly like this (give or take):  I thought of something today that I don't know about you. It's kinda important. I have decided that more than anything else I could be doing I want to get married and start a family. I have lost any desire for single adventure... I have always assumed that you felt the same way. Do you? Are there things you want to do alone before you settle down?  What do you want?... Do you think you might want some time for whatever?
That's a big thing to not know about someone you're planning a future with. I remember reading this email and not being able to swallow. It was in that moment I knew that I wasn't ready, which was the start of what lead to our demise. I remember thinking that our outlooks on life were so much different. I didn't have desire for single adventure my whole life, but I did have desire for adventure. My adventure doesn't need to be without marriage or without children. But was I sure of adventure with him?  He wanted the white picket fence. And he would be okay with the backyard barbecues and a vacation here and there for the rest of his life. But for me, I didn't understand the need for the line. I like change. I like learning and exploring. I want a home... and a family... and I want security. I just didn't feel that it comes with a square footage price quote and a set in stone 10 year plan. I want a version of it, yes.  But when I read those words (with a few more not included above) I got cold feet for the first time in a long time. For some reason the idea of it felt like prison. And I couldn't stand to go there. What I didn't realize at the time was that we were already holding each other hostage, afraid to find what we both really wanted. We were two different people lacking the moral support that both needed, but neither could give.

It was a simple reminder that we both knew it wasn't forever a long time ago.
Courage just doesn't always get the memo as quick as the heart does.

Feeling Refreshed

Brazilian lightning storms are the most beautiful I have ever seen... but Eagle Mountain is a pretty good substitute.

There are some things that just feel like home. Like driving with the windows down, feeling the warm breeze and listening to your favorite song. Or a glass of coke with 3 ice cubes. That old tv show. That old friend.
Then maybe combine them all into a movie and you've got my night.
You know those movies that are not that good if you were anybody else? Yeah. But that undying love you have keeps you connected and still clinging like a hopeless girlfriend.
Finally, I saw Fast 6. I couldn't wait any longer! And I walked out of there feeling like me again. wanting to be a criminal maybe and jump around on things, but I felt good.. about life, about myself.

Things drag you in and then down. It's a ruthless cycle, but we choose to bring ourselves back out.
I've felt love. And it crushed me. But it didn't kill me. At least now I know what it should and shouldn't feel like.
It's so easy to feel left behind. Or worthless and not good enough. We hear all these stupid songs about it 24 freaking 7 and I got sucked into this wheel of thinking that I obviously am not grade A because things haven't been happening. Well guess what, my peeps ... I'm not grade A! Surprise! And I like it. AND duh... things are happening! Just not where I thought they should be.
Thank you, my friend, for the last 8 months. It was a good rest. But I'm getting up, it's over due.

If change is constant is it still change?

Head hurts.
Heart, well... it's been better.
Today was the first time in a while that I have felt that need for change, and not a new hair color type of change. A real change. A big one. I haven't felt that for a while and it makes me nervous. Nervous because it makes me antsy and I never think rationally when I'm antsy.

I haven't been feeling too great lately. A lot is on my mind, I guess? In reality a lot of things are going on, so normal human beings would be affected.

I need to go somewhere new.
New Mexico.... you're looking pretty good.






Are there healthier answers than running and avoiding? Probably. Do I want to know what they are? Probably not.

"Throw your sticks and stones, throw your bombs and your blows but you're never ever ever gonna break my soul."

Beautiful

"I'm gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house. If things go wrong we can knock it down."

The morning comes

Loneliness can swarm you. Eat you alive.
We all have our own ways of responding to such moments.
Desperate circumstances call for desperate measures.

In other words: coping.

I relate it to being drunk. After that first compliance, complete control and sense have been wiped off the table and as you stand there in a haze looking down, trying to make the most concious decision for your next move you half knowingly comply again. Then you no longer own your actions and you seem to keep doing what will seemingly make you feel better.

I then relate it to muscle tear and regrowth.
Cause as much as you kick yourself in the morning for loosing control again, you realize you've learned and you're a little bit stronger than you were before.

Today I cried. A lot.
Actually at first I held it in. Made myself sick thinking it was something I ate. And then on the way home realized tears were running down my cheeks that wouldn't stop.

Half way through I remembered what my friend used to say about our problems being so little compared to those of others.
--Perspective can truly make a tear turn to vapor.
So I stopped. But my tears were quickly replaced by the sickness. So I thought to myself.... My tears are mine, I will do with them what I will. So I did.
And I cried. A lot more.

And I don't feel cured. But I feel better.

Why?

I have been so inspired lately by olympians.

What is there drive?
How did they get it?
Do they ever want to quit?
How many times did they before they found their true reasons not to.
How many times did they almost give up?
And what made them not?

That then started a thought process about those who never won the medals. And how many of them accomplished huge feats in their lives just by getting to the games? The trials? Or even onto the track, bars, pool or whichever passion was theirs?

I've been doing a lot of research about running. I read that before you run you need to decide what your motivation is. What is your true desire? What do you want? and why?
Is it to lose weight? Yeah?.. then get outta here. That's not going to push you enough. You're going to give up. Look DEEPER. Why are you doing this?
WHY?

The seventh grade was the first time I realized that people ran for fun. Not just to exercise or to escape... but because they liked it.
I was flabbergasted!  WHY would someone DO that? Running hurts!
haha little did my 11 year old self know that an obsessive thought had just entered my life to stay for the next 11 years.  The level of disgust I had balanced the level of curiosity almost equally, but with disgust still winning.  Various attempts to run with a smile lead me to believe that it was just not in my lot. It was for the crazies. My asthma had also given the perfect excuse of half-hearted attempts.  But still.... my secret desire that I could be like them... someone who ran because they wanted to... didn't fade. If anything it became more prominent.
During my time in Brasil and these 3 short months that I've been home I have learned that I never had disgust. That word had become a cover for the so commonly used and more accurate: fear.

                   I was afraid to try!  Of pain. Of defeat.
            Of having it become official that I am not one of those people.
                             BUT WHAT THE HECK WAS I DOING?
                                   I had made myself one of those people.

But guess what? I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I decide what I want. I do what I want. And I am done with being afraid.
Being not horrible, nor good movie... After Earth gave a lot of thought for this exact tangent.
"Danger is real, fear is a choice." This didn't make sense to me until I saw the movie and heard the rest which I cannot find ANYWHERE to correctly quote, but gave the idea that we cannot fear "what could possibly happen". We cannot fear what "may or may not happen in the future".

It's hard to do. We must train ourselves to think that way.
"Now if you are going to win any battle you have to do one thing. You have to make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. It is always tired in the morning, noon, and night. But the body is never tired if the mind is not tired."   - George S. Patton, Olympian ;)

 Life has some great perks. Why do we let fear take those from us!?
Good sense and safety are still applicable. But fear is hindering. And it's job is done here.

So here it is. On September 14th I am running a half marathon.
Why?
               Prove it to all the dirty looking haters.
                      Overcome asthma.                        
       Physical fitness.              Prove it to mySELF.
                   I never needed him for strength.
       To have something that is mine.

                                       Because I freaking WANT to!

Lonely? Not tonight :)

Tonight was the Draper Temple with my friendy, friend Kyle.
He's pretty awesome cause he likes to do fun things like go to the temple on a Tuesday night just because we want to. :)
This lovely temple gave me MUITO inspiration. Much of which is still going... and I love it!

For those of you who don't know, this is the draper temple:

And the view from up there is more than any picture could attempt to portray.

 

Retracing a little bit back to Sunday... I was able to go to an AMAZING fireside. With a man who spoke about the soul and our potential. At least that's what I got out of it. So in the end, I think this is where all of the wonderful inspiration is coming from... the seeds are sprouting!
My spirit can be in charge of my body. It should be. I have the choice! Incredible!
"I can do ANYTHING I want to do!" (Thanks Chris)
I am worth it (thanks Laura) and I can feel that way any time I want. :)  I'm not a big self-downer in the first place, but we all have our moments and wonder... "and me?" And It's usually those moments that are recorded because they're the ones we feel like talking about, isn't it? And I realize that! So now I'm going to DO something about that annoying little fact!
haha Someone told me today to stop worrying about dating and I'll find someone. And I responded that I'm not worrying and I'm fine. But DING DING DING! Why would someone believe another someone that makes 'set me up with your friends' jokes?... like all the time...  Okay guys... I'm not desperate. Let's get that outta of the way. I want a relationship... who doesn't? But I want a good one. A healthy one. Both of which I've never quite had. So I'm willing to wait for that and until then... I'm strengthening this relationship I have with God... and this other one I have with myself. :)  Which is why I need as much inspiration I can get!

So thank you Draper and your beautiful temple. You've made one less lonely girl.

P.S. These pictures are not mine. But they are beautiful.

The view I'd like to see...

Is not one I personally could take you to.

I've decided that I do not want to be one of those people who are content with being alone.

I like to spend time alone and it makes me happy. I like having personal goals and ambitions and desires. I believe in being independently sure of yourself, having strength and peace of mind and being content with who you are.

But i do not want to reach the point that I feel that I am better off or am happier making the journey alone.

Sometimes I can be feminist and rockin' the girl power without shame. But I also believe in being dependent when it counts. And in truth I believe trust is a beautiful state. It's a view I'd like to see first hand someday, even if it's a long road.

True happiness cannot be achieved alone. That is why we are put here together. The very journey to our life experience  depends on other people. So it makes sense that the adventure here wouldn't be any different.

Too much to ask?

I am your friend. I like that! I can be chill and nonchalant. I like that too. I even like that you can trust me to be your wing man (though it's slightly twisted).

But I AM a girl. Surprising, I know.
And I actually like FEELING like a girl.

Please treat me like one.

Might seem weird at first, but we'll catch on... cause in the end it's normal.

Is that too much to ask?
I really don't feel like it is.

Note to self:

Revenge never was happiness.

Today I overheard a woman talking about lawyers and suing and winning and losing.
She did not sound happy.
If if she wins it's hard for me to believe that she would be satisfied. Her emotions decide her actions and winning a lawsuit doesn't heal a wound. It's more like the dark sunglasses you wear out trying to pretend like nothing happened.

The world tries to offer these quick fix answers that don't work.

Personal peace involves forgiveness. It involves Christ and his Atonement. It's the only cure that reaches deep enough. That actually cleans... purifies really... instead of covering up.

Bad things happen. Hurtful things. Awful things. Why do we turn to the source that caused them? Instead of falling into the arms that can heal?

He asks us to let go. To keep moving on. To forgive. Others can tumble with others, but we can have peace and be happy in spite.

Let's skip

This morning at the temple I realized how much I need God in my life.
I have these realizations often, which I guess is a good thing because every once in a while I need a good check up, but still every time feels like the first epiphany ever felt by man.
As I was helping someone I realized that she was completely depending on me. She trusted in me completely knowing that I would know how to help her. That if she couldn't, I could. In that moment I was thinking about nothing, no one but her. All I wanted was to fill that role she needed. Whatever doubt I ever had that I couldn't was quickly blown away and replaced by surety from her trust.
And that's when it happened.
How often must God see my wide eyed, child's gaze looking up at him?
And how much does he want to help?
How often do I trust? And how often do I run?

So I had a talk with myself.
I said, "Self. Running is tiring when you're going in circles. Let's not do that anymore. Let's slow down and skip awhile."
(It's been a long time since I've skipped... and it's fun!)
And myself said, well... quite nothing actually...
...because myself knows that I decide what me and myself do.
So that was the end of that. And here we go. :)

 

This is the temple in my hometown.

I have the opportune blessing to serve here every Saturday morning.

#feelslikehome #ilovemylife

Sometimes I'm wrong.

...like that time.
I need to apologize. As jaded as I at times feel... I still do believe in love. I do!

In the words of our dearest Jordan Sparks:
"No matter what you say about love, I keep coming back for more. Keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later I'll get what I'm asking for."

It will be boring but it'll be passionate.
It'll be old but it'll be new.
It'll be hard but it will be clear.

If God's in it. Then here's to fighting for it.

But then again...

...maybe it's because sometimes I still feel like this.

The Greatly Deluded Gatsby

I had never read the oh so talked about book, never heard a thing of it's story line, nor was curious to discover what was behind the hyped up film trailers.

But when the family wants to see a movie... we take it as a time to bond. It truly has brought some special moments ;)

I can say that I honestly was entranced the whole movie. And I think that's why I hated it. I hated what it made me feel. So in love. So confused. So passionate and angry. So much hope. I felt what they were feeling that is until the end when the allusion fell to pieces.  Everything had been built up to a lie. In Gatsby's last moments he was on a high. In the peak of his hope is when my train derailed from that useless track that lead to nowhere.
 During his flight I was tumbling back to reality. Realizing that I was now leaving a theatre with less hope than, with which I walked in with.

In the end I came to realize that it wasn't Gatsby that was so deceived. It was I. I had been carried away and lead to believe.  

When did I become so cynical?

Gatsby gave away half of his heart to love the other half. Part of him was missing because of an obsession that he chose. I don't feel it should be that way. Half of your heart shouldn't kill the other. That's just silly and absurd.

But then again, what is your heart? A muscle. It's as strong as you want it to be. It can be trained. It can love what you want it to.
Maybe the idea of "love" is role play and most people are faking it because role play is always more fun.

I hate that part of me truly believes that.

And thank you Jeet Singh for your never ending inspiration

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=559670234054052&l=5719885981935539442

Thank you awareness. And Marco Vega.

"I feel just like a child..."

Jumping out of a plane has been two of THE best decisions I have EVER made in my life. Ever.
There is no way to explain it. I can't just make someone feel what I felt.
Such as sitting there on the ground with a childish grin, watching the canopies fall, naïve of what was to come.
Or putting on the gear joking with the instructors as if we were about to get on a bike.
Or even the plane ride up realizing that everything's getting smaller, but it looks exactly like a movie so you can't get your mind to acknowledge that you're sitting in a real plane.
And then the moment the door opens and you're simply being filed to the opening of a moving plane.
You're trying to remember everything they told you.
And the next minute racing through the air with your eyes watering and you can see the earth below you, but it's not getting any bigger even though you know you're moving so fast and you've never felt anything like that in your entire life so you don't know where to place it in your brain or senses.
Then all of a sudden you're floating and you're thinking, "that was so quick" am I already floating back to the ground?
And you're on the ground trying to figure out if you actually just did that.
And you have to go again.

And you do. And it's all the same except this time you turn your brain off and you soak in it.
And you take a little control and responsibility and you feel like you could hold the world.
And then you land. And you're in love.
And you're driving home with a great friend, maybe one of the coolest cats in town. The only one who gets it, at least for a while.
And you have to go again.

Those two jumps were the product of wanting to experience life. A piece of what our Father has given.  And really I think the most insane part is the aftermath. I have never been addicted to a substance, but I can imagine that is the closest relation. Being so tired but not being able to shut your eyes for more than 10 minutes because they pop open in thought of what that experience was. And realizing that most people will never have that experience because of fear or maybe better judgment, but being so grateful that God didn't tell you no.  At least at that time and in that place.

 

Soundtrack to a perfect day.

Long overdue.

An email.
It was dumb.
An apology and attempted comfort.
Oh friend... you can't be the one to comfort me.
"It would be an honor to marry you."
yeah? Why does everyone say that?  Funny how that works.


Just stop talking already.

Happy me.

I've decided that blogging bugs me. But it helps me clear my head so here we are again.
I can't exactly put photos and videos in my journal in such an accessible way to share my thoughts so logically a blog solves many complications. I also feel that Facebook is pretty wide spread. I don't honestly want to share with everyone and their dogs, but I don't mind sharing with those who care. I feel when we share we do mostly, though not limited to, these 3 things: learn, grow and move on.
                 Which is what life is about.
This blog is about who I am now. I am not focusing on the past, we can all find that it in my first blog though at times I may make references.  I will most definitely refer to my mission, which is largely counted in my second blog, because it was the bridge between then and now. And the experience I often refer to as the giver of my back bone.  I feel that God deserves all of that credit.
I am still me. I am slightly redefined. And I am SO happy.