I have addictions.  Juuuust like anyone else. And I have every intention of overcoming them, but that doesn't mean I'm always strong. 

Overcoming addiction means you always have to be on your toes.  

Addiction never gives you a break no matter what it is.

Addiction is in its simple definition something you can't break free from.

Addiction is what you will be inclined towards for the rest of your life.

Once an addict. Always an addict.

This may sound depressing. But it's the truth. And what is it people always say? The truth gives us wings? Well... that's true too.  The truth frees you.  Once we can accept this we can fight.

This morning I was feeling great. Then temptation hit. My addiction, my old friend. Today it came without warning and I'm thinking that wasn't a coincidence.  So here's the thing... it's in those few milliseconds that you have the ability to choose where you stand that day, or hour, or moment. You have to come up with your own trigger to match the temptations trigger. Not easy, but I have come to find essential. When the big T comes do you automatically think, "NO. I don't want this." Or do you systematically remember how it made you feel in the moment and desire to cave? Or is it both?

To remember the moment can be the spark of the fire that rages.  Because that is urge is stronger than your desire to not go down that rabbit hole.

The urge overcomes us.

Our desperation is in that need to make the desire to quit, stop, leave, whatever it may be, become our conviction. 

THIS is more important than that.

Joseph ran. He literally ran. So that is what I do.  I run.

... metaphorically and physically. It's where I've found my sanity.

This morning when I was overcome I did both. My mind:  "NO. I don't want this. Not now. Please."  With a flood of memories and rationalizations simultaneously racing by.

Buuut. I've been working on this. I've been training myself to stop those thoughts.  I'm slowly getting better. The mind is a powerful thing.  We can train it on purpose and by accident.  It's hard to break a habit and addictions are made up of countless tiny ones.

So. Today.  That was one tiny battle that I won. Last time I didn't and that was what gave me the strength to fight harder today. I cut off those racing thoughts, forced myself off the couch and told myself to get out. Go to the gym. Literally talking to myself out loud. "We're not doing this. Today we're strong. We're working out and getting past this." Stopping in my closet I am consumed with those memories, those rationalizations and I want to succumb. 

Prayer.

I always do it. It usually doesn't help because by that point I am too far gone, but I still do it and today I am determined. 

I leave the closet because that's where the thoughts came back. 

I fall to my knees beside my bed. 

A quick prayer.

"Father. I can't do this. Help me. Help me. Help me to get to the gym. Help me get there. Please. Pleeeeeaaase. Please please please."

Then I hear myself audibly say... 

"Just like Joseph I need to run away from Potiphar's Wife. Run, Nichele.  Run. Don't take your time. Get to the gym now. Just keep moving. Just keep moving." 

As I was putting in my earphones about to leave the apartment I see myself in the mirror across the room. I see my body and the work I've put into it.  I'm strong now physically and I look at my face and actual relief rushes through me as I remember that I have beauty. The past week I have been tearing myself apart. I had not only forgotten, but even told myself that I am anything but beautiful. No one would see that in me and I let myself believe it.

Foolish.

I am a daughter of the divine. 

We are creations of the Most High.

How can we doubt our beauty?

Hello old friend

It's been a long while away from my little world. Should we talk about it? Nah. Let's just leave it at that. 

Back on the road to self rediscovery. Oh yeah. So that's what lonely feels like. I remember now. 

"I hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay."

I hope when you take that jump

you don't fear the fall.

Hope when the water rises

you build a wall.

Hope when the crowd screams out

they're screaming your name.

hope if everybody runs

you choose to stay.

Hope that you fall in love

and it hurts so bad.

The only way you can know

is give it all you have.

And I hope that you don't suffer

but take the pain.

Hope when the moment comes

you'll say:

I, I did it all.

I, I did it all.

I owned every second

that this world could give.

I saw so many places.

The things that I did.

Yeah, with ever broken bone

I swear I lived.

I hope that you spend your days

but they all add up.

And when that sun goes down

hope you raise your cup.

I wish that I could witness

all your joy and all your pain.

But until my moment comes

I'll say...

The tale as old as time is about... time.

Guess what guys!? Happy New Year!
Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never been one for new year's resolutions. I've made poor attempts of thinking of what I could do better at, but never returning to the thought.  This year is the first time I'm actually making an effort and even then I don't think I can credit my natural nature to make myself a better person. ..haha. It just so happens that my life couldn't have come to one of those "reorganize yourself" points at a better time.

Two more months and I'll have been home from my mission a whole year.

What?

Where has the time gone? Heidi, Lindsay and I were talking about how it felt on the final countdown to the new year. 10..9..8..anxiety...7...wait...6...stop..5..why do I feel like this!?...4...3..."lactose intolerant!!!!!"...2... 1... ohmygoshwhat'shappening!?.  It's the story as old as time.... you can't stop time. Everyone feels it. Everyone has a problem with it at some point.

So what am I DOING with it?
What am I doing with this prized possession that everyone has and everyone wants more of.
Time moves no matter what.  In 10 years I'll be 10 years older. That time will pass no matter what. So instead of waiting for things to happen, why not make something? Sure. Some things take time... such a complicated catch 22. "Just give it time". Who really needs the time but ourselves? To straighten up, to figure things out, to clear our heads.

We give too much time to what we think is supposed to be right, freeing, relieving, adventurous, daring, liberating, founding, insert whatever you can think of here.

I just saw The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Exquisite.  I absolutely loved it. And although I love TRAVEL and ADVENTURE I think what a lot of people took from that film is that what you need to have a fulfilling life is those exact things. But in the end of the film Walter Mitty was back at home with the girl from his office walking down a street he had walked down a thousand times before. Why was he content? Because he did what he always wanted to do. He conquered his fears.  He found contentment in himself. He learned to love himself.  He didn't abandon all that he was or did. He didn't forsake comfort of being grounded. He found a balance between responsibility and spontaneity.

We are capable of living happy, fulfilling lives.
There is pride in adventure just as much as there is pride in family and a job.

You know what? I hate McDonald's.  But every once in a while I crave it like a pregnant woman craves sweet pork burritos covered in chocolate. One of my "resolutions" for the year is to eat more healthily.  Yesterday was my... 'get ready.. tomorrow it starts' day. I saw 'Walter Mitty' alone to get all motivated up and on the way home knowing I was going to pick up some food, I saw a McDonald's. I thought to myself... I would kill for some people nuggets with barbeque sauce and some fries with sweet and sour.  So I stopped. I took it back to my apartment and ate it by myself... in the car. And I was soooo happy. I did it because I wanted to. Some things we can  do just because we want to. It's okay.

This year there will be less restrictions in my life on what I, or anyone else, thinks could or should happen.
Why does it even matter? Just keep going. Keep moving. Stop worrying about what could happen in the future.  Only God knows and unless he says no, then run like the wind.

One big thing that I took from my mission is that God wants to protect us, not restrict us.  So many times we're given an inch and we see it as a mile. We need to be careful, but that doesn't mean we need to give ourselves more rules than there actually are. It doesn't mean that because alcohol is inhibiting to our physical and spiritual growth that we can't drink Root Beer because it has the word 'beer' in it.

It's okay. We're here to live. So live.