I have addictions.  Juuuust like anyone else. And I have every intention of overcoming them, but that doesn't mean I'm always strong. 

Overcoming addiction means you always have to be on your toes.  

Addiction never gives you a break no matter what it is.

Addiction is in its simple definition something you can't break free from.

Addiction is what you will be inclined towards for the rest of your life.

Once an addict. Always an addict.

This may sound depressing. But it's the truth. And what is it people always say? The truth gives us wings? Well... that's true too.  The truth frees you.  Once we can accept this we can fight.

This morning I was feeling great. Then temptation hit. My addiction, my old friend. Today it came without warning and I'm thinking that wasn't a coincidence.  So here's the thing... it's in those few milliseconds that you have the ability to choose where you stand that day, or hour, or moment. You have to come up with your own trigger to match the temptations trigger. Not easy, but I have come to find essential. When the big T comes do you automatically think, "NO. I don't want this." Or do you systematically remember how it made you feel in the moment and desire to cave? Or is it both?

To remember the moment can be the spark of the fire that rages.  Because that is urge is stronger than your desire to not go down that rabbit hole.

The urge overcomes us.

Our desperation is in that need to make the desire to quit, stop, leave, whatever it may be, become our conviction. 

THIS is more important than that.

Joseph ran. He literally ran. So that is what I do.  I run.

... metaphorically and physically. It's where I've found my sanity.

This morning when I was overcome I did both. My mind:  "NO. I don't want this. Not now. Please."  With a flood of memories and rationalizations simultaneously racing by.

Buuut. I've been working on this. I've been training myself to stop those thoughts.  I'm slowly getting better. The mind is a powerful thing.  We can train it on purpose and by accident.  It's hard to break a habit and addictions are made up of countless tiny ones.

So. Today.  That was one tiny battle that I won. Last time I didn't and that was what gave me the strength to fight harder today. I cut off those racing thoughts, forced myself off the couch and told myself to get out. Go to the gym. Literally talking to myself out loud. "We're not doing this. Today we're strong. We're working out and getting past this." Stopping in my closet I am consumed with those memories, those rationalizations and I want to succumb. 

Prayer.

I always do it. It usually doesn't help because by that point I am too far gone, but I still do it and today I am determined. 

I leave the closet because that's where the thoughts came back. 

I fall to my knees beside my bed. 

A quick prayer.

"Father. I can't do this. Help me. Help me. Help me to get to the gym. Help me get there. Please. Pleeeeeaaase. Please please please."

Then I hear myself audibly say... 

"Just like Joseph I need to run away from Potiphar's Wife. Run, Nichele.  Run. Don't take your time. Get to the gym now. Just keep moving. Just keep moving." 

As I was putting in my earphones about to leave the apartment I see myself in the mirror across the room. I see my body and the work I've put into it.  I'm strong now physically and I look at my face and actual relief rushes through me as I remember that I have beauty. The past week I have been tearing myself apart. I had not only forgotten, but even told myself that I am anything but beautiful. No one would see that in me and I let myself believe it.

Foolish.

I am a daughter of the divine. 

We are creations of the Most High.

How can we doubt our beauty?